so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
