he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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