You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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