Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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