i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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