You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
