Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
