I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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