So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
