if only i could text you this smell
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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