so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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