there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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