I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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