Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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