this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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