he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
