Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
