The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
