If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize