so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize