Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
