you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
