New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
