it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
