allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize