I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
