nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
