i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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