dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
