today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
