I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
