i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize