I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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