Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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