i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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