Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize