I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
