I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You are the jesus of drinking
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
