Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
