Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
