You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Damn victory sex feels great
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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