What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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