Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
