Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The best revenge is premature balding
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its liver damage thursday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
