i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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