What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
