I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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