just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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