Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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