omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
