dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So much Jack, so little girl.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
