woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You don't make any sense
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