The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
