So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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