xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
