After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
