Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize