I want to stick my p in your. b.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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