I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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