Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize