So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
