I hate your face
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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